We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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