Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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