she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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