I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
You're like the curious george of whores
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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