I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
