Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
my shit smells like andre
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
