I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
