she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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