i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
