Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
