I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
