Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
