Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
