Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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