I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
