wakey wakey hands off snakey
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
