PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
