Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
