What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
