No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
