you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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