i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
