Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Randomize
