just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
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