the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
