Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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