I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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