Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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