You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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