When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
