the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Bring me that man meat
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
