so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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