the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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