do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
