I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
pray to the hookup gods
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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