I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
