Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
