The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
