I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
