mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
