Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
