Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
