Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
