I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Dicks are not precious.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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