I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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