It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i think i have two assholes
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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