Four minutes until I can fart!
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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