READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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