so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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