Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
