K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
we're so committed to being not committed
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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